Some of you may have known some of you may not have…but my awesome wife submitted a story for a comic distribution company that was having a contest. The topic to write about was which hero you would send to kill / capture Osama Bin Laden. Of course Dudish’s think outside the box and are a unique bunch (everyone laugh, chuckle, insert joke here) and she did think of a good idea which…yes…was so good it won the contest which was for a nice gift certificate for some goodies!
The story will be put on their blog or website eventually, and both can be found here:
http://www.superherostuff.comhttp://www.superherostuff.com/blog/
But for you guys I include this story so enjoy!Luthor and Bin Laden: Match Made in Hell?
Part 1
You know me, the guy voted most likely to be recruiting backstage passes to the latest slugfest. It’s all bullets and name-dropping, that’s what you pay me for. That’s what keeps you perched on the bus-seat edge, trying to read over Joe, Jack, Jill’s shoulder. And I live to serve my adoring public. So who could’ve been more surprised at the voice on the other end? I mean, really, why call me? You can’t work on this rag without hearing about “la femme Lane”. But her phone didn’t ring, mine did.
A call that left me enduring a November rain under an elderly umbrella. When the limo ghosted in behind me, I jumped.
“I would ask if it’s wet enough for you just to break out the clichés.” I squeaked back in surprise, too damn jumpy. Hey, you learn to be in my line.
“Lex Luthor,” I acknowledged as the passenger door swung open. And that began the conversation between your intrepid narrator of crime’s vicious lives and our city’s most reviled citizen.
I cupped my chilled fingers around a cooling brew, black and strong, no fancy lattes on this beat. When he reached to his breast pocket, I felt the cold sweat pop at my temples. The hand came out clutching a news clipping: “The Man of Steel vs. Radical Bombers.” I’d seen this one, a pure spec piece with a rather poor photoshopped “shot on the scene”. I said as much to Lex when I handed it back to him.
“That is inconsequential you see,” he replied. “I am far too intelligent to be taken in by this pulp. You work the inside and know the story from the tripe. The common man though, there is the rub. They will believe and Superman will have to prove them right.” Lex fell into the usual tirade he plays to any public, even a public of one. I’d heard it all before, we all have. If I was still a betting man, would’ve won the pot saying our Lane has not only heard it all but seen the proof.
He ground through the stump speech. Towards the end the brute hulking in the facing seat pulled Lex the last dreg of tea from a steaming silver samovar, ignoring the long since empty container in my hand. Only then did he stop. I have to tell you I was almost impressed with the constant theme, the tenacity, the sheer bullishness Lex displayed as he waxed on his number one topic. Websters should have a photo of Lex for obsession, that’s how crazy it was.
But at the end of it, he stopped and stated, “That’s why I will kill Osama bin Laden.”
I must’ve looked as confused as I felt. He smiled that English gentlemen’s club smile. “I will not have any peers. I am the superior man and I will not let some sorry excuse of a goat herder confusing pure luck with the genius of complete planned chaos interfere with me proving that. Until Osama is dead and his distraction gone, I cannot be sure of unrestricted access to the superjoke you so quaintly fawn over.”
For a moment, Lex fell silent. Staring at his face, I knew this was the man with the hate and drive to pursue beyond all limit, to see only the end and not the means. Here was the monster you send to kill a monster. At some unseen signal from Lex, brute made it clear the interview was over with a languid wave of his gun hand towards the rain peppering the window; Lex assuring me regular updates of his progress, me posturing on fair representation in the press.
It was a good twenty minutes before my shoulders came back down from my ears. Tobacco curled lazy-sweet around my head. I thought about a certain day. I thought about the power of ego, the siren lure of hate.
I thought yup, maybe Lex just could do it.
Part 2
Hello, hello, this thing on?
Hello?
Ok, not much time, just gotta hope it’s working. Nate here…your highway to the stars, criminal though they are. Not sure where I am. Well, I’m sure it’s a plane and this ain’t Kansas , can’t say more than that. How’d a ground-hugging, tube-rider like me get hijacked into a flying metal coffin? Wasn’t easy.
After our friendly chat, I didn’t give Lex much more thought. Seen it all and heard plenty, what’s one more crazy rant? Had plenty others to reel in; the Maggio brothers were feuding again and all the little fishies were circling for the fallout.
Maybe a twinge when Clara over in Society mentioned Lex had been out of the news awhile. Sure, he’s a crook but a filthy rich one. Still, wasn’t a clear follow-my-lead twinge. It was when I was climbing the stairs out of the 27th that those little hairs woke up. The twinge turned into a honking reminder. I checked the snub-nose, yup still in the left pocket. Didn’t carry till lately, but like I said, a guy gets jumpy.
Brutus fleshed out of the archway. No way you could mistake that lump, Lex must be paying by the pound. Tried to bluff it, “Lose your ride big guy?”
Not one for small talk, probably couldn’t form a coherent thought never mind say it out loud. The street light crossed his bulk and the muzzle already pointed at me. Geez, this guy was a broken record. I shrugged, “Your dime”. A teeth-chattering blow ended any more brilliant conversation and sent me into blackness.
“Ah, there is our reporter,” that voice was unmistakable. No use faking it, not with brute’s ham hocks around. Opened my eyes and once again found myself watching Lex across a limo’s vast space, “Something I should know about?”
It was champagne at this meeting. Lex practically vibrated with excitement. “All in good time please. I have to say I am rather disappointed in you. I thought we had an understanding.” He stopped for a moment, head cocked, eyes turned in. “True, true. I cannot really hold you accountable after all. I have been…otherwise detained.”
This was not a good sign; silent partners don’t bode well for sane talkers. My eyes roved the interior, no door handles, no blunt objects except for the bottle chilling next to brute.
Lex caught my movement. “This vintage is exquisite, you must try it. I insist.”
Brute’s pig eyes bored into me as he leaned over, his paw dwarfing the crystal. Master and pet stared at me till I relented and sipped gingerly.
Lex grinned and barked, “Now please.”
The brute touched several buttons at his console. The limo’s windows wept into transparency. I was startled to see the North Park amphitheater below us. We must’ve been up on the Smallville South extension. North Park , why did that sound so familiar? I looked at the crowd milling. North, what was it?
It clicked as Lex crooned, “I just love a good cause.” The Iraqi Anti-Defamation League had filed a permit for North Park . Was being billed as a “peaceful meeting of like-minded citizens to join in prayer and demonstrate the real truth of the Iraqi people”.
“Wait…wait…no…give it to me!” Lex was practically jumping out of his seat in agitation. My gut gave a hard roll; it wasn’t liking this one bit. I stared at the mixed group, some chattering in smaller sections, several with hands linked, heads down.
Luther was holding a mike to his mouth with one hand, champagne long forgotten, the other thumb covering a small box. I tensed but brute had the smarts of all predators and crushed my shoulder in a vise grip. My gut flipped again and I swallowed thickly.
“Death to the infidel. There is only one God and Allah is his name.” Thumb pressing down, a crump that shakes even the armored limo, human wails mixing with mechanical ones, Lex beaming angelically and then brute’s backhand sending me back into oblivion.
That brings me to this flying heap. When I came to it was strapped in the middle of a pack of brutus clones. They were comparing hardware enthusiastically till several noticed I was awake. The front curtain peeled back and he walked down the aisle.
“Excellent!” That voice. My eyes must’ve looked pretty funny shooting knives.
“It was perfect. What a day, what a response. And the media darlings! I really must apologize, the story of the year and here I had you incommunicado. No Peabody Award for you I’m afraid.”
I was still getting pretty clear flashes of what happens when large quantities of explosive meet multiple soft humans. “What are you up to now Luthor?”
“Now I thought we were friends. I seem to recall a certain understanding we had, promises made. And everything I have gone through to fulfill my end of that arrangement. But a prophet is never accepted in his own country as they say.”
I squirmed in my seat, “You’re no prophet, just insane.”
Lex laughed, the hired guns joining him. “No, no, no! Not insane, just the most brilliant mind in history! Who else could orchestrate the perfect cover to implicate al-Qaeda? Who else will be cheered as America ’s savior when Osama is dead? And who will have to acknowledge my superiority?”
Lex turned and still chuckling, strode back to his private quarters. The plane droned on. The goons relaxed, some slept. Finally convinced them of the need for toilet breaks.
Not much tape left. I’ve got a good idea where we’re going and what Lex will do when we get there. Don’t know the plan for me. Out of time, they’re at the door. Hope somebody finds thi…
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